Today was my father’s yahrzeit, the anniversary of his death in the Hebrew calendar. He died 42 years ago, accidentally, at the age of 44. Two more years and he will be dead as long as he was alive. That will be a strange milestone…

Every year, near the end of December, I get email reminders from both synagogues that I belong to, and I always have good intentions to mark the day, but it often passes with me doing nothing.

This time, however, I was determined! I bought a yarzheit candle – a small candle in a glass jar that burns for a minimum of 25 hours, to last the entire day of the memorial. I sent in donations to both of my synagogue homes in his honor. And, I went to prayer service in the evening, and led the last part of services, including the mourner’s kaddish:

אבל: יִתְגַּדַּל וְיִתְקַדַּשׁ שְׁמֵהּ רַבָּא. [קהל: אמן]
בְּעָלְמָא דִּי בְרָא כִרְעוּתֵהּ וְיַמְלִיךְ מַלְכוּתֵהּ בְּחַיֵּיכון וּבְיומֵיכון וּבְחַיֵּי דְכָל בֵּית יִשרָאֵל בַּעֲגָלָא וּבִזְמַן קָרִיב, וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל: אמן]
קהל ואבל: יְהֵא שְׁמֵהּ רַבָּא מְבָרַךְ לְעָלַם וּלְעָלְמֵי עָלְמַיָּא:
אבל: יִתְבָּרַךְ וְיִשְׁתַּבַּח וְיִתְפָּאַר וְיִתְרומַם וְיִתְנַשּא וְיִתְהַדָּר וְיִתְעַלֶּה וְיִתְהַלָּל שְׁמֵהּ דְּקֻדְשָׁא. בְּרִיךְ הוּא. [קהל: בריך הוא:]
לְעֵלָּא מִן כָּל בִּרְכָתָא בעשי”ת: לְעֵלָּא לְעֵלָּא מִכָּל וְשִׁירָתָא תֻּשְׁבְּחָתָא וְנֶחֱמָתָא דַּאֲמִירָן בְּעָלְמָא. וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל: אמן]
יְהֵא שְׁלָמָא רַבָּא מִן שְׁמַיָּא וְחַיִּים עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כָּל יִשרָאֵל. וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל:אמן]
עושה שָׁלום בעשי”ת: הַשָּׁלום בִּמְרומָיו הוּא יַעֲשה שָׁלום עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כָּל יִשרָאֵל וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן: [קהל: אמן]

When the services were complete, one of my friends there asked me to say a few words about my father. This is a traditional way of observing the yarzheit. I described how there is a similarity between the yarzheit and the Buddhist tradition of observing the anniversary of a person’s death with donations to the temple, and sponsoring a day of teaching and prayer. I spoke of how I’ve evolved and struggled over the years to reconcile my current Judaic practice with what I think my dad would have approved of. I think I have, although there’s no way to know. But, I did feel good about recognizing his life formally with my community, and feeling the support of my community in the bittersweet memory of his loss.