Clarification…

I posted on Facebook on Friday the following:

I’m hoping that April 1st will be an auspicious day for the start of my new life. Moving forward with some trepidation.

So, the deal is – my husband and I are separating, after many years of marriage counseling, trying to arrive at a workable understanding.  I’ve resisted, as I did with my first divorce.  I was hoping never to have a second divorce.  Oh well.

The weird thing for me is that I’ve never really lived alone successfully.  I got married the first time when I was 18 yrs old, because I was pregnant with my amazing daughter, who I never regret for one minute (even if I. Igor regret sometimes following my mother’s advice to get married in the first place!)  That marriage ended eight years later, and I did technically live alone for about 18 months, but it was really only half-time, and the weeks when I didn’t have my daughter home with me to give me focus and direction, I often thought I was losing it.  I would take drives to the beach (over Hwy 17, to Santa Cruz, for those of you who know the Bay Area) in the middle of the night.  The ocean offered me solace.  Always does.

And then, my second marriage started.  And I was assuming that it would last for the rest of his and/or my lives.  One of the funny things I notice about social media is that all husbands and wives are perfect!  We all put on our best fronts on social media. I would never point fingers, and frankly, I don’t think that there is blame to place anywhere.  This situation is truly one of irreconcilable differences.  We just have different expectations, and different definitions of love and marriage, and what’s acceptable and appropriate.

So, I signed a lease on Friday, and I’m actually kind of looking forward to having my own space.  I’ve spent a lifetime accommodating other people, and I think it might be cool to put my own needs and wants and preferences first.  Things have been falling into place in a way that makes me think “This is right, it’s going to be OK.”

So, a new chapter for me begins.  We will all be relying on our synagogue community, and our friends and family, to support our boys in this transition.  They have two loving parents, and we want the best for them.

I’ll be inviting anyone who can make it to an apartment-warming event soon, as soon as I get a little furniture accumulated.

I love you all.

2 thoughts on “Clarification…

  1. mamawolfeto2 says:

    Good luck to you. I hope the Universe opens wide for new adventures to come your way.

    1. janaki says:

      Thank you so much!

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